As I advanced in my journey to let go of my accommodation strategy, I was looking for clear parameters to replace this withdrawal strategywith a healthy engagement one. Lately, I have noticed that my usual thinking flows
into direction of overconfidence about facilitating other problems and assumes
the best possible scenario that would be executed by me with full responsibility
on me and zero share when things go south on beneficiaries.

Dr. Gabor mate in his book entitled“When the Body Says No”, has highlighted importance of negative thinking for accommodators
like me. He explained that some patients who got a devastating disease like cancer
may adapt their limitation about taking care of others in an excessive way that
contributed to their current illness and start to respond differently to
regular requests form those who still dare to ask for services from them even during
this dire situation. Inone of his fascinating lectures that was addressed to health careprofessionals, he mentioned a case of a teacher who kept working in school
until the week he or she died!

Here is a realistic dialogue that accommodatorscan consider seeing how negative thinking can help them to serve both sides in
a positive way:

Accommodator (A):

Hello dear, you look less happytoday. Is everything all right?

Beneficiary (B):

Well, not exactly. I want to buythis wonderful gift for a friend for the holiday season and found a wonderful
gift in a shop today, but…

A: ...but what?

B: It is too expensive.

A: Well, maybe you can keepsearching for a gift that is within your budget.

B: Would you please lend me themoney to get it?

A: I can but you said it isexpensive for you, this will complicate your budget.

B: What about giving me the money?

A: This is your friend we aretalking about, right?

B: Oh…sorry. You are right. I canfind a cheaper gift to send. Thank you for talking to me about this issue. I
was desperate before this conversation.

A: You see, when you buy a smallgift, your friend will have the same wonderful feeling of a big one. Because in
both cases he or she will get the message that you are thinking about that
person and remember your friendship constantly.

B: Thank you for your kindness inasking me about what made me concerned. You are a gear companion.

A: You are too.

Many years ago, I would argue that such a conversation cannever take place with me and anyone I care about. However, it started to make
more sense over the years. Putting boundaries on what I cannot do would help me
to focus on managing my resources in a better way.