As Dr. BesselVar der Kolk, trauma expert stated in one of his interviews:
“People are very resilient!”,
Here comes my argument about atraumatized life partner that I have struggled with for almost two decades
before noticing how to end our suffering by reflecting on my own.
I fell deeply inlove with my wife in 2006. We got married, we had four wonderful children, we
raised them while I was recovering from my childhood abuse and neglecting
experiences. Parenting was a rollercoaster of victories and disappointments, a
description that may resemble most of adult survivors of child abuse and
neglect. I was struggling to rebuild mylife while being responsible for caring for raising up children and accompany
them to explore life in a more objective way. So, I moved to another country, I
changed my career and I became a freelancer. I started working from home three
years before COVID-19 hit our world of business and kept working from home until
now. One of my main motives to be suspicious about returning to fa full time
job was offering them enough attention and make them feel worthy of existingin this world, even optimistic about what they can contribute to when they master
tools that will allow them to make their mark.
However, I kept struggling withmy partner in almost every parenting issue. She was neglected during her entire
childhood by her father and yet she is in denial. My recovery journey that
included cutting my ties with my parents and my only brother has constantly triggered
the worst of her nightmares as I gradually became more assertive about facing
my past and framing abuse and neglect in a non-apologetic way from my side as a
child, an approach that is opposed to what a typical victim like her would
accept or even tolerate.
Recently, as Ijoined a support group of survivors, I began to see more clearly a better way
to manage our differences. I became more trauma informed in a way that made me
see how to handle daily conversations that may trigger a traumatic response in
me or in her. I learned, at a very slow pace, how pointless my previous
approach was. Usually, I used to get agitated when I heard her defend my
abusers and this would quickly put us in a fight and an increasingly heated
argument. Then, I gradually started to see that I am today in a different state
of mind about abuse and neglect compared to her. This status I hold now came
after passing victimhood phase, the status that my wife is still on. So, this
realization has offered me a new reaction: Letting go of her reflexive reaction,
stop responding and move on to another issue or offer complete silence and turn
our dialogue into a monologue. I used to resist this approach for a very long
time because I thought by doing so, I would be validating abuse and neglect. Now,
I know if I let it go, I would do it because I am fully aware of how impossible
it is to resolve trauma by rational negotiation with someone in denial. The only
exception to this rule, in my opinion, is when a discussion about a traumatizing
topic is taking place in a treatment session where a victim is aware that
having this uncomfortable conversation may help in moving forward.
Fortunately, I am feeling goodafter adapting this way of handling daily conversations with my beloved wife, a
way that helped me to see how much she loves me while she is struggling with
her own denial; a state that no one can convince her to change unless she
voluntarily decides to go through, leaving behind her fantasies and excuses of abuse
and neglect that victimization offers and lure millions like her, including my
old me. Furthermore, I can view my journey as a heroic attempt to pass through
a very difficult valley of fear and empathize that both of us may live another fifty
years while each on us is standing on a different side of that valley.
