“As children, we start off at the center of our own universe, where we interpret
everything that happens from an egoistic vantage point. If our parents or grandparents
keep telling us we’re the cutest, most delicious thing in the world, we don’t question that
judgement- we must be exactly that…As a result, if we later hook up with somebody who
treats us badly, we will be outraged. It won’t feel right: it is not familiar; it’s not like home.”

A Torn Map of The World – The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D
As I learned that our brain consumes more than any other organ, I started to see
a connection between judging toxic relationships based on energy consumption criteria.
As an engineer, I can see why I signify this observation. In engineering work like
construction, saving energy is a constant goal starting from workforce to machines to
power bills. This is true from initial idea of building until last phase of execution. Likewise,
when it comes to managing human relationships, it seems that our intuition is moving in
the same direction. Those who built their brain networks of basic relationships: with
fathers, mothers and siblings with a large kindness would use this as a benchmark to
evaluate later relations that they start at school, in the neighborhood and later as
grownups.
As an adult survivor of child abuse, identifying childhood toxic relationship was not
hard from comprehension standpoint. I was capable of spotting abusive patterns as soon
as I remembered episodes of mistreatment I went through. The emotional tornado,
however, that made me struggle in my adult life for more than a decade to resolve abuse
was mainly about letting go existing toxic relations to be replaced with what seemed in
the beginning as a theoretical, ideal and not practical to look for: Healthy relations. When
I started to identify healthy relations of some individuals I met, it began to make sense of
how different upbringings will hold different respects. However, I kept doubting if this is a
matter of randomness only. So, I would argue that familiarity marks both of us and as a
result each one favors what is familiar to him or her and this is more relevant to our
judgment of relationships. In other words, adults with healthy references may consider a
relationship toxic just because it does not feel familiar to them. Based on this assumption, they might overreact to a non-abusive situation as abusive due to their sensitivity, like hearing a cursing word in a heated argument. So, I think it is fair to tolerate any relation until a pattern appears with enough number of actions. Yet, it is still in favor of the ones with lucky startup network to negotiate compared to unlucky ones who are struggling with toxic relations at every corner of their family network. Abuse of power has contaminated all my references; this is what made my recovering journey a huge shift in quality of life. I learned that identifying abusers is much easier when you have a kind uncle, a lovely grandfather or a wonderful auntie. These experienced good individuals can spot your discomfort with their regular check with you and help you get out of it in a nurturing way.
In my case, all these references were available but unfortunately, unqualified. They were
still struggling with their own poor choices. They even suggested to accept regular
humiliation, unfair treatments and blackmailing as a “normal” aspect of “everyone’s life”;
which meant their lives. This was their best way to advise; the creation of more victims.